Shadowed by Doubt

In the silence
I try to speak
Words from the heart
I cannot shout
Tranquility deceased
Hopeless clouds
I want to be heard
But I don't know how
Salvations lost
Death becomes me
It fills me up
Plagues of darkness
Shadowed by doubt
No more goals
My dreams are gone
They've been invaded
Killed in action

My spirit flees
Just my body left
Lack of tears deceive
A false smile
You believe
Reality kills
It destroys so many
I'm a casualty
I have no strength
My arms are down
I'm on my knees
Begging to be free
So much holds me
Behind this iron door
I can't get out
Sealed and locked
Death becomes me
It fills me up
Plagues of darkness
Shadowed by doubt


This is pretty much how I've felt lately.

The Truth Behind My Thoughts.

I was supposed to wake up early this morning (4am) to go to the KSBJ radio station to volunteer.  Well when my eyes opened it was 6:00!  I was freaking out!  I rushed out of the house and sped away in my car.  I called the station to see if it was too late for me to help.  With tears streaming down my cheeks I listened as I got my answer.  Yes, it was too late.  I was broken all morning!  One of the DJ's and I sometimes e-mail back and forth and I e-mailed her yesterday about some things I'm going through, asking for prayer.  Well to top everything off she read my e-mail on the air and said this broken young girl is here now answering phones because our ministry has impacted her life and she feels lead to give back.  So call and you might get a chance to talk to her! (something along those lines)  I started balling like a baby and yelled at the top of my lungs, "I'm not there! I'm letting everyone down!"  Then I started getting really mad at God because I asked Him to wake me up at 4 when my alarm clock goes off.  He didn't.  I must not have childlike faith. 

                                            

Who was I really letting down?  KSBJ has plenty of volunteers every year so my absense won't make much of a difference.  God knows my intentions so I know I didn't let Him down (in this matter).  The only person I let down was myself.  It feels so much worse letting yourself down compared to let others down, in my opinion.  We are our worse critics so we beat ourselves up the hardest.  That is especially true with me.  I really need to let go and let God!  Which is what I've done this morning.  Thanks to a few certain people.  Plus, I signed up for two days of volunteering at KSBJ!  I have another shot Friday and it doesn't start until 10 am. 

On another note:  I only ate one meal yesterday.  I wasn't home and for some reason I was afraid of asking my friend if I could rummage through her fridge when I got hungry.  She started to make dinner so I planned on eating with them but I had to leave before it was over.  Finally, I ate at like 7:00 p.m.  I had a sandwhich and soup from Quiznos.  And today is gonna be a lot like yesterday because I didn't have the money to go grocery shopping this month so I don't have any food in my apartment.  I do have peanuts, so I've been munching on them.  Oh wait!  I just remembered that I have mac & cheese!  I'm gonna go eat! <3  yay!  I'm starving so this makes me happy! (really weird that I'm excited to go eat...)

Can You Identify?

We all know what it’s like to go through hard times.  To feel discouraged and disconnected.  To be rejected and put down.  To feel that our world has come crashing down and we lose all sense of who we are.  Life quits having a meaning and we feel we just want to give up.
I’ve had those feelings everyday for the first 20 years of my life.  I’ve gone through every abuse there is and dealt with it in very destructive things.  I didn’t care that I was hurting the people who actually loved me.  I just wanted to escape.  Go as far as I could from reality.  I’ve had just about every addiction in order to leave the world of reality and rest in a world where feeling had no meaning.
I’ve spent the past two years learning how to live in reality.  How to have healthy relationships and be happy.  I no longer have to put anything in my body, or take anything out, to feel comfortable in my own skin.  I’m learning who I am and why I’m here.
 I am a daughter of The King!


My blog is to tell you my story in hopes that it can help you in some way.  My plans for this blog is to write out my entire life story.  I wish to share my daily struggles and accomplishments with you.  The good and the bad.  Holding nothing back and being completely honest.
Hope you enjoy and benefit.

Brain Power

The mind and the power it has over people fasinate me.  I'm in constant battle with myself because of my mind.  It tells me to not eat, steal, not do homework, hurt someone, hurt myself, curse God, etc...  I have to fight with myself in order to disobey my manipulative thoughts. 

I was about to make my lunch today and stopped just as I was about to put it into my microwave because my mind told me not to eat.  "Eating makes you fat."  I went and sat back down on the couch with plans not to eat but another thought came to me.  "You are My child.  Take care of yourself so that you can do My work."  Wow.  That was definitely not a thought from me.  God was speaking to me and I knew it right away.  How can I argue with that?  So, I made my lunch and ate it.  I didn't even feel guilty for eating it, which is another God thing!  My typical pattern is to think about eating, not doing it, feeling guilty for not eating, feeling accomplished for not eating, drinking a cup of coffee then weighing myself as if I should have lost 15 pounds for missing one meal.  How unrealistic is that?!?!?  My mind really blows me away!

What I've come to believe is that just as God talks to us, Satan also talks to us in the same way.  Or at least me.  When I think that I am battling with my mind, I am actually fighting The Enemy. (should that be capatilized?)  God is beautiful.  I see Him when I look at the trees, flowers, sky, oceans, and even when I look at you.  Satan can be just as beautiful but in different ways.  He makes things we know we shouldn't do or shouldn't buy or the like, appear very intriguing.  He is so convincing and deiciteful.  But if I keep a relationship with God then I can realize that the things my mind is telling me, that sound so blissful, are in fact the enemy at work.  It is only then that I can choose to ask God for help, do the right thing and demand Satan to leave.  "He has to leave at the sound of [God's] great name" -Natalie Grant. 

It's really awesome having a relationship with Christ!  I see Him everyday in different ways.  If I keep my eyes and hears open to Him then I can see Him in everything I do and everywhere I go!  So can you!!!! :)

Sick Day

So I've been in bed for two days now.  I really don't like being sick but who does?  Although, this is my first time not feeling well by myself.  I know that sounds a bit strange but I've always had someone there when I'm sick.  Usually I've had my mom there to take care of me because I'm a big baby when I don't feel well.  Now, I'm living on my own and I get the privilege of being sick on my own.  I don't really like this part!  I want someone here to take care of me! haha!  Good thing is that I've been in constant contact with my mom for the past two days! haha! 

On another note:  I've been waiting for the USPS all day!  They have my new iPhone 4!  I have been going to the track page all day to try to see where it's at but no luck.  It just says that is is "out for delivery".  Oh well.  I will get it when I get it.

I e-mailed Focus on the Family about the eating disorder and got a reply today!  They are a Christian based counseling organization.  They do other things as well.  I told them about my struggles and asked for advice and for some help.  They offered free 24/7 counseling via phone (open to everyone) and they are going to send me some free pamphlets and a book.  I'm happy that I contacted them but I still need to work up the courage to call.  I'm afraid of what they will say and I have no idea what to say to them.  I am much better at communicating through writing.  I guess that is because I can think about what to say rather than having to have an immediate response.  Anyways, pray for me.  And if you have any prayer requests please let me know what they are!  I would be happy and honored to have the privilege of praying for you! <3

My Amends to You

         I created this blog as an amends to God, myself and past followers I had on an old blog.  I relapsed in an eating disorder that I've struggled with for 10 years now.  I created a blog back in Janurary to promote and encourage people and myslef in their eating disorders.  They are known as proana blogs.  Sick, I know...  I wasn't thinking about the damage I was doing to other people when I created it and posted pictures, videos, tips and tricks.  I was only thinking about myself and how I could "get ahead".  I had a bunch of followers and thought that I was "making friends" and we shared a common bond.  I didn't realize how I was contributing to their disease and helping them kill themselves.

          One day I was posting and I realized what I was doing.  I started crying and asking myself how I could have let it get that bad.  I am not the type of person who does things to decieve and hurt others on purpose.  It is totally against my nature.  I prayed and asked God what I should do and to help me.  He answered right away!  I deleted my old blog but still felt as if I should do something further.  My A.A. sponsor and friend suggested that I make a new blog and dedicate it to those who followed my old blog and to God.  So... here I am!  I hope that one of my previous followers will see this blog because I want to tell them that I am sorry.  You are a precious child of God and I betrayed you.  I encouraged you to destroy the temple God gave you.  I dishonored God by hurting His children, including myself.  My amends to you is to continue with this blog and no longer encourage others to destroy themselves.  I will also try my hardest to not act in eating disorder behaviors.  It's not easy but I know that I can do it.